A few weeks ago, the folks at Jen Reviews reached out to me because of this post I wrote about SAD in 2014. I swear my old blog posts have been coming up and its just not me trying to be all special. It really is happening! I read through the article they sent me titled “A Blueprint When Feeling Blue: How A Mental Health Diagnosis Can Be Empowering” and it really hit home.
I am going to lay it out there and say that its not like she thought I needed a mental health diagnosis, she just noticed an article I cited in the old blog post. So don’t think she was all pushy and trying to give me medical advice…she most definitely was not.
As I read the article, it brought be back a specific moment in June of 2017. The weather was glorious and the family decided to head to the pool. There really was no reason on earth for me to feel anything but joy. When we walked in, though, I just could not deal. I sat away from my family and my friends and just sat. Just sat. It’s hard to describe the feeling. This pressure in my chest as my heart started to race and I just felt like I had no breath. No matter how hard I breathed in, I just couldn’t feel like I filled my lungs. If negative could be a mind, body and soul feeling…that would be it. My bleak perception of what was going on, what words were being said, the laughter of those around me was all consuming. I think my kids were a little whiny and I blew up. That’s it. We left and I proceeded to unload loudly on everyone in the car as we headed home.
When we got home, no one had any problems leaving me alone on our back porch. While laying there, I had so many thoughts race threw my head…none of them nice to myself. They weren’t about anyone else but, of me. I, for sure, was not being nice to myself. When I woke up the next morning, I called my doctor and got an appointment. I’ve been seeing my doc since 2002/2003 so he knows me. We chatted and he gave me a script and some therapist recommendations. He has suggested medication before and I always said no. I mean would I have to be on this stuff forever? After being on it for over a year now, I have to say, “Who cares?” I can feel normal. I can be NICE to myself.
Fast forward to October 2017. Remember when I said this in my blog post about respecting the no…
I know there was a time not so long ago that I was committing to everything put in front of me.
In October it all came to a head and I was sitting in the middle of my bathroom with my head in my hands feeling like I was going to implode. Here’s the thing, though. At that moment, I wasn’t mean to myself. I mean I was hard on myself but, I wasn’t mean. I thank the medication for that…and I thank my favorite people for making me see the light of that current situation.
NowI have this training group and a trainer that is the right balance of understanding and no nonsense. These people help me get going when I can feel the all consuming pressure beginning to take over. Just knowing that they are expecting me to show up. Knowing that I need to show up. Working my body to clear my mind.
Ok so why all this just because the people at Jen Reviews reached out to me? Well, their article made me feel kinda normal…and, well, kinda vindicated…because it rang true. From thinking mental illness was for crazy people…to deciding to reach out…to managing…to acknowledging I needed support from my people…to finding a release. Most importantly, empowerment.