What a week....

What a week it's been.  I've been in this funk.  Dealing with a bunch of thoughts and feelings.  It's all around sucked, actually.  I'm trying to turn it around, though.  I'm thinking more positive thoughts and developing an action plan.  I always seem to do better when I have an action plan.  I may never follow it or I may follow it for one day, but for some reason, it just makes me feel better.  Plus, we're going on vacation.  You can't be in a funk on vacation.

Motherhood isn't what I thought it would be.  Don't get me wrong, I love it and plan on having more, I just didn't realize how much it would challenge me as a person.  I've vented to some friends that j has had a rough week and that he's just not himself.  He's not but, even at his worse, he's still an awesome little guy which has led me to feel a bit guilty for being on edge.  I think my guilt stems from the fact that I want to be a good parent.  I want him to feel what I was never able to feel as a child. 

Someone once said to me that sleep training is the first real parenting action that you do.  I agree.  That philosphy has led to such confliction this week.  There's no doubt that I'm sleep deprived.  I don't really think j is. I think he's getting enough.  I know that I could solve my problem by using the Ferber method and letting him cry it out.  I have this internal problem with it.

One of the reasons why I think I'm so fiercely independent is that I don't think I thought my parents were ever really there for me.  I can remember being a little kid and not telling my parents things because I thought they'd think I was silly or I just figured it wouldn't matter because they wouldn't do anything to help me anyway.  I was a really good kid.  I tried to be the best at everything and a lot of the times, succeeded.  I can't remember one time my parents were there to share in my accomplishments.  In the 8th grade, I was student council president.  I made speeches to the whole school and met some city officials.  My parents never came to one of those speeches.

I don't for once want j to think that we think he's silly or that I won't help him with anything he thinks is important.  My first act of parenting is plagued by these insecurities.  Leaving him to just cry by himself just feels like I'm not there for him.  I know that there are no real abandonment issues with the cry it out method, but it just feels like I'm abandoning him.  I know moms say it's hard and you push through it, but it just feels so awful on so many levels. 

So the fact that I can't do it leaves me feeling guilty.  I feel like I'm failing at the first act of parenting put before me.  I fear that my kid is going to be one of those crazy kids on Nanny 911 because I'm coddling him by continuing to go to him at night.  I fear that I'm doing exactly what I don't want to...placing my insecurities on him. 

All this from my first act of parenting.  It's going to be a long road.  I probably just think too much.  It always goes back to your childhood, doesn't it?
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